So I really am trying...I do NOT want to lose the friendship I have with the girl who's as far along as I'm supposed to be. We're not like "best friends" by anymeans - but we are "close" friends. We do a lot together. We work together and on days when we are both in the office (which is pretty much just Thursdays) we eat lunch together. So we did today. I know she's under a lot of stress with work and all that, but I want to make sure I do what I can. But can I also tell you how incredible effing difficult it is? Sitting there - watching her all pregnant? I even tried to mention the pregnancy and maternity leave...and yes part of me hurt so much when I did this. But I need to. Yes part of me feels tortured but there's a tiny little part of me that keeps saying "you can do this" "you NEED to do this"...and I think, honestly what helped - is that I believe.
I believe - because I KNOW - that we WILL get pregnant and we WILL have a beautiful healthy child.
I just found a quote that I am IN LOVE with...
SOMETIMES THE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN OUR LIVES PUT US DIRECTLY ON THE PATH TO THE BEST THINGS THAT WILL EVER HAPPEN TO US.
And honestly, I have always believed this. Not this quote verbatim...but I've always looked back on my life and known that the bad things that happen have always made way for the best things to happen.
For example...right before I got the job at the place that I work now, I was working somewhere and got fired. It was the first place I ever really got fired from and I was devastated. It wasn't a GREAT job by any means, but it was better than fast food or wal-mart. I remember going to my apartment and throwing things around and throwing a temper tantrum like I was 3 years old. I ended up being unemployed for about 6 months...and when my unemployment was running out - literally the very last week I could receive a check - I got a "temp" job at the place where I am now. That was 8 years and 3 departments ago AND I now make 3 times what I was making when I started there.
And to this day I have always believed that had I not gotten fired that day, I would never have found the job where I am now. A job I absolutely love (and hope to stay for the rest of my life). And while there I had a "fling" the first year with a co-worker's brother...and the breakup was SO effing hard on me - I literally cried for 6 months. But then a friend from work took me out one night, to get my mind off of guys, and I remember it truly was one of the first nights I went out NOT "looking" for "Mr. Right" and I found the love of my life. Granted, his sperm sucks, lol - but I know that everything really does happen for a reason. Even the absolutely shitty things in life.
This next one is probably the hardest thing for me to grasp. For so long - for FOUR YEARS I have had this absolute deep seeded fear that I couldn't get pregnant. Even though everything came back on me as "normal" (except for the tiny bit of endo last year) - and everything else was on his side...I just couldn't shake the belief that I'd never even get pregnant.
But you all know - I did because I CAN. Because it is physically possible FOR me TO BE pregnant. It was just a "bad egg"...
But I had a sorta not-really dream last night...It wasn't a true dream...but more of premonition maybe?...I remember laying there last night (half in/out of sleep) and looking down on myself and I was pregnant. Not even just a few weeks - but full term pregnant, with a happy baby and - no joke - there was a rainbow surrounding my belly. I know this sounds weird - but that's something I could NEVER in my "minds' eye" see in myself and that is actually BEING pregnant. But I saw that and it felt soooo right!
So - yes, having gone through this miscarriage has absolutely sucked. It still sucks. Yes I absolutely wish it had worked out. And if anyone else EVER says this to me - I will punch them in their eye (only I can say this to myself)...but maybe it happened for a reason. Maybe I NEEDED to KNOW that I can physically become pregnant. But maybe we need to get this home equity loan to pay off some debt and do a new full round of IVF to have our child/children.
I just need to believe.
For my final FET, I was advised by my counselor to spend time visualizing the a positive outcome, being pregnant and seeing my children. The idea was simple: being negative wasn't doing anyone any good and stealing myself didn't lessen my grief; it only made it last longer. No matter what happens in the future, I commend you on this outlook. It can be very hard at times to remain positive and look for hope, but it can also be a source of strength. May all you hope for find you soon.
ReplyDeletethank you. Like I said in my last post - it is hard. It's SOOOO much easier to be negative and want to be miserable. It's SO hard some days to see the brighter side of things. And I know I won't have this outlook every day. Some days will be better and some worse, than others, but I am so tired of being sad. I NEED to - I CRAVE being happy!
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