ugh. I am so freakin' sick and tired of not being happy. I hate feeling like I'm just barely making it through the day. This shit sucks.
On the GOOD NEWS front, we have decided to absolutely 10000% do a new fresh cycle (retrieving eggs / fertilizing them) due to the fact that we don't have any more embryos left). The problem is - everything is and always will be 100% out of pocket...which we don't exactly have $12,000 to do another cycle. SO...we have applied for a home equity loan - because, it's NORMAL for people to do that in order to get pregnant, right?!!!!!!??
It WILL be good if we get the loan because well obviously it'll allow us to do another cycle (and hopefully bring home our child!)...but we should also have a little extra to pay off some credit card debt. :)
I also have another option I'm looking at, but I don't want to discuss that anywhere just yet. ;)
So I went to my follow up appointment the other day...and the GOOD news is that there WAS something wrong with the embryo. So while that does suck - it gives me hope. Hope because I CAN GET PREGNANT! and the fact that there was something wrong with the embryo itself tells me a lot.
#1 - my body did not "reject" the embryo - it implanted and therefore it IS possible for me to get pregnant. While I miscarried - it was because it was the embryo. Had there not been anything wrong WITH the embryo, I'd still be pregnant. My body CAN get pregnant.
#2 - it was a female/egg issue. Not uterine issue - not lining issue - not sperm issue. So because it was something with the egg itself and from what I understand is pretty rare for it to happen a second time...that gives me hope.
#3 - we (as in my doctor) knows what protocol to follow now. :D
Also - I absolutely LOVE my RE. Seriously! I can tell how much he cares about his patients and he WANTS to see us pregnant. He has never treated us like a number and he said he will even do what he can to help with our next cycle (such as have his nurse talk to drug reps about free samples for me!) And he's also helping with the other option I'm not going to discuss just yet...it's a long shot, but we're gonna try. ;)
But as for the post's name. I am so frickin' sick and tired of feeling sad. I hate this shit. So my close friend (who's exactly as far along as I'm supposed to be) just announced her pregnancy on facebook. I knew it was bound to happen. I knew how too, as I'm on her pinterest page. But it still hurts to see it. That should be US. I wouldn't even mind for it to be us and them...but no. It's just them. That effing sucks. I WANT to be happy for them...I truly honest to god do...but I can't even be happy for myself for anything right now. :(
I'm just sad. Like 24/7 flippin' sad. :( I hate it. So much.
It really doesn't help that I feel SURROUNDED by pregnancies either...my friend and then our next door neighbor (we are extremely close to their backyard...our deck is high off the ground so we see over our 6 foot tall privacy fence right into their backyard)...and yesterday they had their "gender reveal party" and today - we're outside because it is beautiful out and we're doing some landscaping...and they're out having fun with friends. God I would love to have "fun"... :(
I KNOW it's going to work. I KNOW we WILL be successful. But damnit right here. Right now. It fucking sucks.
Very good news about the treatment front! I'm glad you're working with a RE you really like and trust. That is SO important. Will be keeping my fingers crossed for the upcoming cycle.
ReplyDeleteOne of the hardest things about grief is that it is terribly exhausting. It doesn't take long to get to a place where you want to be done with it. Unfortunately, the only way through it is to confront it, address it and work you're way through it. Because it doesn't go away otherwise. Still, I understand where you're coming from. And it sure does suck.
Thinking of you.
Glad to hear you will be moving forward with treatment again. I felt the same way about my first RE and my current RE. Feeling like a number is so awful and this is such an emotional roller coaster ride as it is. All you can do is take one day at a time and hopefully, you'll wake up smiling again soon. Too bad there isn't a way to get through grief without actually going through it.
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