It makes me sad. There truly is that "void" that women talk about. I hate feeling like anymore I get up - go to work - come home - and "get in position"...which my husband and I laugh at...but basically every night he is on one end of the couch playing farm town and I'm on the other end of the couch on my laptop just browsing facebook or the internet. every.single.night.
I laugh at myself sometimes because one of the reasons that I want a baby SO badly (asides from sharing our life which a child) is because I'm bored. Society "condemns" teens for wanting a baby because of boredom - but that's ABSOLUTELY one reason WHY this 34 - soon to be 35 - year old WANTS a baby!
I work. We work. But for what? Sometimes I wonder what's the point of really working hard and doing everything right when life just says "fuck you!" Yes I absolutely love my husband more than anything - but I know that a child would make us feel "complete". We would be able to do birthday parties - take him/her to baseball games, the children's museum, the park, all sorts of stuff. But when you're childless and you do that, people look at you funny.
Last weekend, for example, my husband had some yard work to do, but I really didn't have ANYTHING to do. Yes I've got hobbies...but those hobbies make me think of how sad it is that we don't have kids yet. I am trying to teach myself how to sew and I've always liked scrapbooking - but what's the point if I can't sew cute clothes for my baby or scrapbook my baby's first years?...
I talked with my husband, again, last night about what our plans for future baby makin' are...and it's funny. When we first started this - he was all "we have three shots" (as we had 6 embies, 2 each shot) "If they don't work, we'll try something else". He didn't want to keep trying and spending money...
But because the last one "worked" he's now all "Let's figure out the $$ and do it again!" which yes is nice - but that also terrifies me that it may not work. It's SUCH a huge gamble! He thinks we'll have awesome embies like we did last time - but a good friend of mine just finished her fourth (failed) IVF cycle...and her cycles almost mirror mine (minus the m/c)...their first fresh, they got like 6 beautiful embies like we did - they ended up doing three (failed) cycles. They did a fourth cycle - fresh - got 7 beautiful embies - transferred two and the other 5 didn't make it to freeze! That TERRIFIES me!
And now he's also against embryo adoption because he wants his own SO badly! Which I can't blame him - but honestly - at this point - I could care less about genetics!
I'm also a member of a volunteer organization which is mainly retired people...I went to a meeting the other night and while they are all great people - all of them are, of course, grandparents. It just makes me so sad to think one day I'm going to wake up and be their age and never have had a child.
It just sucks. It fucking sucks so fucking much! I mean honestly - WHAT THE HELL DID I DO to deserve this? I work hard - harder than most people - I WANT this SO much more than most people - and yet some people - especially those lazy ass idiots who live off the government who don't even WANT children, get them handed out to them like candy at a parade. Me? It's like I got to the parade last and have to pay thousands of dollars for that one last piece of candy only to have some clown swoop in and steal it away from me.
Again - dear infertility - FUCK YOU!
(sorry for all the profanity but sometimes you just need to say it).
I've been in a similar spot, doing similar things. And lady, I know how much it sucks. I also know how scary it is. I won't tell you that there's any one magical cure for this, but I will say that one thing that helped me get through was actively reclaiming what I wanted out of life. Those people who stare at you funny while you're at the children's museum. Yeah, they are jealous they can't join you/won't let themselves join you. Or the sideways glances you get while enjoying a game sans kids? Same thing. So forget about everyone else and what they think.
ReplyDeleteAnd I will promise you this: this will pass. I wish I knew how and when (I don't unfortunately), but there will be a day when it will be better and all of this will be behind you. That I can promise.
Lilly what Christy said is so true, it will pas. Although I never stop thinking of how it would be to have a baby I have moved on and no longer let it rule my life. I have decided that for some reason not known to me I am not supposed to have them. You don't ever forget this time of your life but it does pass.
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