Ok, this may be a long post - but could be short...who knows - either way, bear with me. :)
So many many times I've thought to myself "what does it mean to WANT to have a baby?".
Are we at the right age? Yes - absolutely...we're way PAST the age most people have their first (I'm 32, he's 38 - we'll be 33/39 this year).
Are we married? Do we have that loving/stable home? Do we have parents who want to be grandparents? Do I ooh and ahh over all things baby right now?
Yes...yes...yes and absolutely YES!
However...sometimes I just do NOT feel that I have that "Mommy Gene" or "Maternal Instinct" you know?
Yes - we both want a baby so very bad that we will be spending over $14,000 just to try and get pregnant...
But what do we do with him/her once he/she is here?
I'm NOT the "suzy homemaker" type of person (and my husband hates that - I know he'd love it if I were! haha). I work 40+ hours a week...and I still feel like I'm a teenager sometimes, like I'm NOT old enough to have a baby yet...but I am 32 years old. In FERTILITY age...that's almost ancient.
There are some days that I forget to feed our dogs (we have 2). Obviously I know I would NOT forget to feed my baby...but that goes through my mind...
I've never really been around babies - except when I was like 13 and two of my cousins (brothers) had them back to back...and my mom and I would babysit them - but I was only 13! lol.
I see women all the time with their babies and yes, they are beautiful and I want to hold them and cuddle them and I DO want one of my own...but not really having that "maternal instinct" sorta scares me.
We have a small but cute bungalow house. The main floor is 863 square feet and only 2 bedrooms, 1 small bath. The main bedroom being, of course, ours...and the guest room is also my office / craft room...which will EVENTUALLY become (hopefully this year) a nursery. We have a basement (which is unfinished, but livable...we have a TV and two couches down there and a small carpet remnant under that area so I can exercise...in one corner of the basement...a pool table in another corner/side of the basement - our laundry is down there and shelves for extra pantry storage, since our kitchen is so small...
BUT we love it. We only pay $600 / month for our mortgage...which is, of course, unheard of! so of course I'm always (now anyways) thinking of how we can make the basement more into a guestroom since the guest room will become our nursery.
I know that having a baby will change EVERYTHING...and I'm very excited about that yet at the same time, terrified. And I know that's natural...but still terrifying! lol.
But I'm going to admit right here and now...I have NO clue as to what I'm doing! I've waited to start my own family for years because of all the excuses (biggest REASON was not being married! haha)...but wanting to be in a good financial position...wanting to have my career established...wanting to have a stable husband and home.
And - now that we have all that - and we DO WANT a baby...I have no idea what I'm doing some days! :)
But - on the other hand there are so many days when I'm home on a saturday or sunday (such as today, for example) where I just WISH I had a baby to take care of...because I'm bored!
Oh I dunno. I know we want a baby and I know we are ready...but some days I'm terrified that I have no idea what I'm getting myself into!
I understand what you mean. It took me years to not freak out when high school friends had a baby. It was always a "OMG! Oh, wait, we're no longer 18" moment. I still feel young (and not grown up) at times. I wonder if it will ever pass.
ReplyDeleteI'm also not very gah-gah over other people's babies. Never have been. Now, these days, with some friends' kids (not all) I am more doting and enjoying them, but I still prefer the kids more after they hit the 6+ month marker. haha
There are so many different factors that come into play for parenthood.. It's confusing and we'll probably never be fully ready. We'll just have to learn as we go.
Yea I know that feeling. I went into a little panic after IUI #1. I was like "are we really ready for this?" I have been told you are never really feel ready, but it will come to you in time.
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