Diet or "Lifestyle change"...isn't it the same thing anymore? (long post)

Ok - so in order to be able to do IVF this summer, our RE told me I need to be in a "healthy metabolic range". Ok. Really no problem! lol. I've been 'dieting' since I was 12 years old. Literally....

When I was a teenager I was about 220 pounds at 14 years old. Yeah I was the fat kid. BUT my parents really didn't know better - as far as how to eat right - since this was the early 90's and they were products of the 50's/60's/70's when 'convenience foods' came into the US lifestyle...after WWII and the stock market crash - everyone wanted FAST foods to prepare (not "fast food"..) but fast foods as far as pre-packaged processed (crap) food to make life easier. Especially since women were entering the work force and didn't have time to have a meal prepared for their family every single night from scratch like our grandparents, great-grandparents and before them did.

So our parents had hamburger helper and pizza hut and "fast convenience" foods that they didn't exactly have growing up...

I'm not blaming my (wonderful) parents by any means...I just know I was more a "victim of circumstance" hehe.

So anyways - I was a thin child and was very active - playing softball as a kid - but when I hit middle school, I stopped playing/being active and was always shy anyways...and in 6th grade I remember weighing 125...which looking back was still big for a 12 year old...but then when I hit 7th grade...13 years old...well let's just say I have blocked out most of 7th grade. Even though I was a straight A student - I was absolutely bullied. I won't get into the whole "bullying" thing here - but I totally get what the movement is about now, as far as really trying to stop bullying. Although - even as a bullied child...I say good luck. I don't think it'll ever end...

SO - in 7th grade I gained 100 pounds. BECAUSE of the bullying...I'd come home balling my eyes out and eat as soon as I hit the door. White bread sandwiches with Mayo and bologna sandwiches...then I'd go to sleep until mom woke me for dinner (ok, so I'm sure this wasn't EVERY day...but I remember that happening...) PLUS...again - my parents didn't/couldn't have realized it was all the CRAP the gov't was putting into that packaged food...

So I weighed 220 pounds in 7th grade and actually "maintained" that for a couple of years...and when I hit 10th grade (yeah, three years later)...between the summer of my 10th and 11th grade I was in Marching Band. I also was 'forced' (lol) to take the dreaded mandatory gym class with swimming - so I took that in the summer. That dreaded gym class, however, combined with Marching Band - all that movement! I dropped 70 pounds! Oh yeah, I also wasn't allowed a drivers license - even though I was 16 years old - so I rode my bike EVERYWHERE...

So of course, here I was - extremely naive - thinking "sweet! I've lost weight! I'm thin! I can eat whatever I want like my size 4 best friend!" (who even to this day - no matter what she eats is frickin' stick thin...)

Well - so of course I go to college and yeah...I didn't gain the freshman 15 - I gained the sophomore 70! Yup. gained ALL of it back! :(
But - I can tell you - I have great memories of those midnight / 2 a.m. stops at the ihop with my friends after a night of drinking for a huge hamburger and fries...lol

So my junior year of college I started playing Ultimate Frisbee and also started weight watchers. I wasn't too serious about the weight watchers at the time - I did lose about 30 pounds...but gained it ALL back. Again.

When I graduated college I was at 220 pounds. Again. (I HATE my college graduation pics! lol)

SO. After I graduated I was SO sick and tired of being fat - so I went back to weight watchers - stuck to it and lost 60 pounds!!! I hit "lifetime" as a weight watcher and actually kept if off for a few years! This was (started in) September 2003. In April 2004 I moved to the city I live in now and - again - I did maintain WW and the "lifestyle" of counting points for a good year or two...but then slowly it came back on.

It's funny...I moved here in 2004 and that next year...April 2004 to June 2005 was one of the longest years of my life! ONE year! haha. In June of 2005 I started at the company where I currently am and have been for 6.5 years now! :D

So anyways - that year had me trying to find a job, a boyfriend, friends in general...tons of heart break (won't even go into the guys I dated during this time, thanks match.com! haha and weight gain.)

In November 2005 I met a guy (and was about 185 - up from my comfy/good 160) and it was a disaster...I thought I'd found "the one" but after 2 months - he decided to go back to his "cocaine habit"...I was absolutely crushed. Literally for 6 months straight I cried over him...

But then 8 months after we'd broken up, I met my (now) incredible husband!!

So - we started dating and I tried getting my weight back in check. I went back to Weight Watchers but no matter how much I counted points - how much I went to the gym - it didn't matter...I couldn't lose a single pound. Literally. I weighed exactly 193 (which is my new number! haha)...

So I went to the doc who did some blood work and told me I was "insulin resistant". Um WTH??? SHE told me to "cut the carbs" and try Atkins...but - of course - having done weight watchers (famously 'low fat') and doing very little research ON atkins - I thought she was nuts...so for a year I just tried dieting - with really no success and finally a YEAR later (2008) I decided...OK she must be on to something...

So January 2008 I started atkins. I went from 193 down to 160 and LOVED this new "lifestyle"! And - a year and a half later...after going low-carb I looked AWESOME and SKINNY in my wedding dress (even though the dress itself was a size 18 - I had it taken in like 4 inches in the middle...I have very broad shoulders...and, btw, i'm 5'7").

BUT...of course...after the wedding I started slipping - thinking I could eat carbs here and there...and ...well...a year after the wedding I found myself BACK UP to 193. Mainly because I had gone off BC about 2 months prior to our wedding and in the past 2 years of TTC - I've been thinking "well, it won't matter once I'm pregnant anyways..." (immortal last words)

And that's where I've been for about a year now. THANKFULLY I didn't gain more than the 33 I lost...but still.

SO - we now find ourselves faced with the reality that we both suffer from fertility issues and MUST do IVF. And in order to be able to DO IVF I have to lose this weight. AGAIN.

Like I said in my previous post - I even told the RE I've lost weight so many times...and I love low carb - and without hesitation, she said, "well then go back low carb".

Ok. So I am.

So again, I've done the low-fat/weight watchers thing - and while...for so many years I THOUGHT that was the healthy way to eat - my mind has been completely turned around and I now know that low-carb/gluten-free(for the most part)/HIGH FAT truly is the healthiest way to eat for LIFE.

Now - the first time I went low carb, I HAD to follow a plan. I am absolutely an "all or nothing" type of person and followed the steps of the atkins ladder to a T. Journaling my food, knowing exactly how many carbs I ate...etc...and I wouldn't allow myself to NOT eat on plan because I'm also the type that if I slipped up - I'd give up...but I've also come to the thought..."If you're driving along and one tire blows, do you get out and blow out the rest?" no you fix that blown tire and keep going!

So this time around - I know the weight is coming off slowly...I started back LC Wednesday January 25th at 193 lbs. It is Saturday February 4th and I've only lost 4 pounds in that time...

Which is only frustrating because - in the past - any time I've started a new "lifestyle" the first week is always my best weight loss week! haha. Usually resulting in like an 8 pound loss!

BUT I am very happy with those 4 pounds. And - for example - I've been "so good" all week...and last night we went downtown and I had a polish sausage from a hotdog vendor - bun and all...

BUT it was one bun and I'm ok with that. I (photo) journaled it and I ONLY allowed myself the one. It was probably 20 carbs for the bun...but 20 carbs is better than going and binging on (my fave comfort food) fries! haha.

SO that is the story of my life, regarding my weight issues. It sucks but it's who I am.

again - I've done this SO many times that I know the weight WILL come off.
And - like it's always been in the past...I just wish it'd be over night! haha.

But hey - it's what I do! :D