Wow. So I leave for EUROPE in 4 more days. I am so excited yet absolutely terrified. Not of the traveling but, well...something I've sorta mentioned in a post or two but haven't really talked about...is...I have OCD. Not the hand-washing, constant-checking compulsion kind - but "Pure O" as in I obsess over everything all.day.long.
I will get into it more too, later, as Pure O can be a bit - well I don't know if embarrassing is the correct word to use...but the obsessive thoughts I have in my head are definitely not things one would want to talk about out loud - but more on that some other time.
So because I suffer from Pure O, I also tend to over-think things (see my last two posts! haha) and rise myself into a tizzy over, usually, NOTHING...and I know this - but I still do it. Whether I like it or not - it's what I do.
SO. I am terrified. I'm terrified that I'm going to go out to Switzerland and not do what my job expects of me. Seriously the anxiety I feel of coming back and having them say to me "nope, you (somehow) screwed up and we don't want you here anymore".
I KNOW that's not going to happen - I mean, the logical part of me keeps saying that they wouldn't LET me go halfway around the world if they didn't think I was a good solid worker - right?
sigh.
I had to go read about the Pure O OCD... I was diagnosed as being on the OCD spectrum years ago, but I do have some compulsive tendencies (but not the most common ones, and not to the point that anyone notices that isn't really close to me). I definitely get caught in a loop of thoughts and can't stop them so I totally sympathize.
ReplyDeleteI hope your trip goes extremely well, and you have a great time and do kickass work, and your job is all "thank goodness you're back!" when you return.
Wow the more I learn about you the more i realize we couldnt more alike if we were sisters...lol. I do the same thing I obsess over everything. It drives my husband NUTS!. But he always points out that everything always works out (and it does) and if for some reason its not the way you planned then its never the end of the world. If you are anything like me I always take it to the extreme worst case scenario and that is never what happens. Just relax and enjoy your trip I am sure you are going to do great. And definitely they would not send you across the country if you were a less than stellar employee. :)
ReplyDeletehaha. yes - my mind ALWAYS goes to the extreme worst case scenario (but I also tend to make up little stories like completely out there, would never happen in a million years stories as to what that worst case scenario would be!) which actually helps me laugh at myself because it's not like they'd really put me in a Turkish prison or anything like that...lol.
DeleteI do see a therapist - and we have talked SO many times about the fact that they would NOT let me go to the other side of the world (even if I am paying for it myself) if they didn't see me as a great employee. I KNOW that. But my OCD tells me differently.
I do have a saying at my desk tha I have hidden in a corner so no one else can see it...it's just a simple saying but I have to remind myself all the time... "It's not me, it's my OCD" meaning that, I KNOW the OCD part of me is what takes over and starts putting these obsessive thoughts that have NO basis what-so-ever into my head...and to me, OCD is like being told not to think of a pink elephant...if you're told NOT to think about it - of course that's ALL your going to think about, because that's how the human mind works. It's just the fact that my brain goes into over drive and starts obsessing over the pink elephant and what the elephan will do - where did it come from? where is it going? what are it's plans? ...lol
Enjoy your trip! I'm sure you will do great!
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